


on the nature of daylight.

by commonemergency



Category: Dan Howell & Phil Lester - Fandom, Phan, dan howell/phil lester - Fandom
Genre: Adoption, Building a family, Established Relationship, Family, Fluff, Forever Home, Foster Care, M/M, Romance, a dog - Freeform, parent!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 04:57:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11223798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: They have a house. It has two people, a dog, and plenty of rooms for guests, family members, and a child. Someday. Soon.Or the one where Dan and Phil are ready for a child and sometimes it doesn't always work out, but then it does.





	on the nature of daylight.

**Author's Note:**

> Quick disclaimer: I work with CPS/foster care system. I've seen a lot of things, and felt a lot of things, and have had foster siblings. I currently work with three families right now and they're all very close to my heart, some of their stories are woven in here, and that's what I wanted to write about. The feelings that foster care and adoption can bring you. I'm adopted myself so this story is close to my heart and I hope you enjoy it. I don't know much about the UK's system and how it works, I only went by what I knew with where I live and even then I didn't want to go too into it (i am by no means an expert), I mainly just wanted to base on the feeling aspect.

**i.**

They have a house. It’s two stories, and there’s floor to ceiling windows, a backyard big enough for a pool, and there’s a garden, a place for a sandpit and swing sets. There’s places for barbeques, friends who come from near and far can sit on the outdoor furniture and drink from glasses that they picked out years ago but never really got to use because it was meant for _“when a permanent home was bought,”_ and it’s been bought. 

They have a house. It has two people, a dog, and plenty of rooms for guests, family members, and a child. Someday. Soon. 

The morning is slow and rainy, Dan waits for Phil to wake up. Zeus has his paws on Dan’s legs and he’s panting but his tail is wagging. Phil had picked the name. It was the name that seemed the most appropriate for a corgi and the dog’s ears had perked up when he had said it. Obviously it was meant to be, and Dan wouldn’t admit it but he actually had kind of liked the idea of their dog being named Zeus. 

“I know boy,” he says, scratching him behind the ears, his nose is wet and he just wants to go on his morning walk. When he looks out the window he can see the peak of sun wanting to come out from the clouds and Dan takes a picture of it to save for later. Now he aims his camera towards the dog and decides that he’ll post it online later with some funny caption and a drag at Zeus’ name because it’s the ongoing joke since they got him a year ago. 

Slowly, but surely, they are adding to their family. First, it was the house plants, second it was the garden, and then the dog, and now. Well, they’re still waiting for the last part. 

The dog barks and Dan sees that Phil has woken from his slumber, his hair is sticking up in different angles and he has his glasses on but he makes his way to the kitchen not saying a word, and Zeus leaves to be right on Phil’s heals. 

Some mornings Dan and Phil don’t talk- they don’t have to. 

There’s a sense of peace and understanding being in a house that’s permanent, you don’t have to fill the void with talking because there isn’t one. 

**ii.**

They go on walks with Zeus, the smell after rain is in the air and they have their matching (by accident this time) rain boots on and jackets and an umbrella just in case. They know their neighbours who have kids, and they’re enjoying the puddles and they’ll come say hi to Zeus because he’s well loved in their little community. And Dan and Phil will give them treats to give to Zeus and for a while they’re best friends. 

Dan has to look away sometimes because there is a hole that hasn’t been filled, and he knows that someday is soon, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. Instead of thinking too much about it, they pause and Zeus sniffs a bush and Phil waits, and Dan posts his tweet with the dog and puts his phone back in his pocket. 

“He looks cute here,” Phil says when they switch and Dan takes the leash. He looks to what he’s referring to when he remembers he posted the picture. He smiles. 

“He is cute,” Zeus has been one of the best things that’s happened to them- it motivates them to get out of bed and actually explore a little outside of their home. 

Phil links arms with Dan. It’s a good day. It doesn’t take a lot for it to be a good day for Phil. 

Zeus barks at a squirrel, Phil says that he’s a dog after his own heart. 

**iii.**

They take classes. They’re to prepare them for what it’s like raising or having a foster child. Some of the classes are all day. Some of them are when they can fit them into their schedule. They make it a priority. 

Dan and Phil get CPR certified, they’ll have to come back in two years to get it renewed but it feels like a direction closer to a child. 

They fill out forms, and have meetings, and meet with social workers. 

It’s a stressful day, Dan comes home feeling wiped and he lays on the couch curled up and stares at the wall. Phil orders chinese food and puts on an episode of a series they’re currently watching. After a while Dan needs the affection and moves into Phil who holds him. Zeus notices that Dan and Phil are touching and immediately gets in the middle because he’s more like Dan than they expected. He needs the constant love and affection of Phil. For the first time today it makes Dan laugh. 

“Soon,” Phil says when they go to bed that night. 

**iv.**

It happens unexpectedly -- of course it does. They get a phone call during a Sunday nap. 

Her name is Ellie. She was an emergency foster child and Dan and Phil agreed that she could be with them until plans were made. 

First they go NSPCC, they run background checks, fingerprints, simple procedure. They tell them that they’ll be meeting Ellie at the hospital. She’s just getting a check up, and Dan and Phil ask if they can bring her food. She hasn’t eaten in a couple of days their social worker says. It all becomes a little too real. 

The story was her mother was on a lot of drugs, hallucinating when she called. 

Dan and Phil know not to get too attached those first few nights. 

She likes Zeus, and she likes crisps and rejects any kind of vegetables. She prefers the swings over the slide and the sandpit, and likes to play on Dan’s phone and the sounds. She lays her feet on Phil’s lap and rests her head on Dan’s thighs, she’s sprawled out and Dan and Phil look at each other and know it’s temporary- but it feels nice. 

She’s comfortable, but asks too many questions. She’s still young and naive and believes in fairytales. So they tell her new one’s every night. 

She doesn’t get nightmares because she had been living them. Zeus sleeps at her bedside. 

And then she leaves not too long after. 

**v.**

There are videos, and events, and more dog walks, and mornings spent at a bakery, drinking coffee and reading the paper and scrolling through their phone. There’s smudges on windows in their house from Ellie that they haven’t removed, and there’s clothes that are kept in a plastic bag in a closet that’s empty. 

It takes a space in their heart. There’s a little spot in their hearts that holds a lot of things; favourite songs, films, foods, artist's, interests, friends, family, Zeus, Dan, Phil, and then there’s a spot for Ellie, and a spot that’s yet to be filled, and it’s not just one- but it’s multiple. And they wait. And wait. And wait. 

When they finally get around to cleaning the smudges off the window and the backyard that was littered with children's toys it feels like a fresh slate. Phil tends to his garden, and he plants more flowers and Zeus makes holes because he’s trying to help but he doesn’t understand. Dan takes more pictures. 

Dandelions pop up in the spring, it’s a weed and essentially Phil should get rid of it, but he keeps them as a reminder that even in the most dire situations something beautiful can come out of it. Even if it’s small and simple. 

**vi.**

With spring and dandelions comes a phone call. 

“She sounded hopeful,” Phil says to Dan, their hands are intertwined as they stand in the hallway, the light just barely hits Dan’s face, and Phil lifts his hand to cup the side of his cheek, “It’ll be okay,” 

They’re approved adopters and foster carer’s, _a double whammy_ as their case worker had said over the phone looking at their qualifications. They had a nice house, a good income, a nice backyard, and they loved each other. Though Dan and Phil knew enough to know that sometimes love wasn’t enough when it came to this sort of thing. It came down to the parents and the court with what happened to the child. Phil wanted to be hopeful, and Dan wanted to be realistic, they had weighed each other out. 

Dan remembers to grab the stuffed animal that’s been kept hidden in their room at the bottom of their closet and he holds it close to him while they sit in the back of the taxi. Phil isn’t one to really hold hands in public but his hands are shaking and he needs to be grounded. So they hold hands on the way. 

They only know her name. Aaliyah. 

The first time they meet here they get on her level and they hand her the stuffed bear that used to belong to Dan, and Phil will give her his blanket that he had kept since when he was a child. His mother always said that it would be passed down to his future children. Even if the future with this child is quite uncertain. They can’t help but fall in love when she bops Dan and Phil’s nose with the bear’s nose. They laugh. And it makes her laugh. 

She has outrageous curly hair, green eyes, and an infectious smile. 

For now she’ll be in their home long term with plans for adoption. While they’re hopeful that she’ll be in their forever home with them there are still things that need to be done, and battles to be fought. For now they enjoy being able to really pick her up and call her theirs. 

When they ask her what her name is, she says, “A-way-uh!” 

They laugh some more. 

**vii.**

They have a house. They go on walks. They go to visitations. They fight, and they cry, and they rock each other back to sleep. There are arguments that last days, sometimes in silence, sometimes in tears. There’s barking, and falling on concrete, and there’s plasters with hello kitty on them. There’s sippy cups that have already been cleaned, and there’s milk spilt, and a high chair that needs still has food from this morning. There’s aching backs and legs that need to rest, but there’s also open arms and cuddles, and hugging that last for what feels like hours. There’s falling asleep during the sixth time of watching Paddington because Aaliyah likes the bear. 

There’s vacations in Brighton, and seashells given as personal gifts from Aaliyah. There’s photographs and scrapbooks and words and phrases that she’s learning. There’s Aaliyah in the middle of Dan and Phil, holding one hand and begging to be swung. It’s gentle, easy, and hard all at the same time. 

There was a space in their heart. And it was filled with things, and names of people and places they’ve loved and- love. 

And there’s Aaliyah. 

She loves bubbles, and Zeus’ tail, and she cries at night because of things that she doesn’t quite understand yet but will someday. She sleeps right in the middle, one body part touching _dad_ and _dada_ , she can’t sleep without her bear and blanket. She cries when Dan leaves and screams when Phil goes away, it’s the separation anxiety, the therapist said who comes once a week. There’s some brain development issues but it’s nothing too bad, and it’s nothing that severe- and even if it was they’d still love her anyway. 

Soon is now. And soon is the future. 

**viii.**

When they find out that she can handle holding Zeus’ leash is around the same time they find out that she can officially be adopted.

There’s cake and celebration in the backyard of their forever home, she’s wearing a dress that Phil’s mum had bought and a hair band that Dan’s mum had given. Dan and Phil match accidentally again. 

Flowers are blooming, and Aaliyah picks one for each grandmum and Phil can’t be mad about it because it’s a special day in their lives. He looks at Dan who’s looking at their daughter, and thinks that out of all the good days he’s had, and out of all the things that Dan and Phil have created and collectively owned together, this was by far the best thing in their life. He’ll tell him he loves him later tonight. Right now Aaliyah is running up to him wanting to be picked up because after a while big groups get a little overwhelming and they’re both a safe place for her to land. 

**ix.**

New traditions are made, and additional stocking is put up over the fireplace and Santa gets switched off every year they’ve decided. She listens to Radiohead when she’s colouring, and has often two different styles and colours of socks on (by choice). She fits in their lives like a missing puzzle piece. 

There’s still room in their heart for more.

For now -- this is good. It’s good.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/Comments appreciated!
> 
> I hoped you enjoyed that. I kind of liked this little world, and if you want more from it, let me know! (:
> 
> Talk to me on tumblr/twitter @nihilismdan.


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